


Memento

by catefish



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Crimson Flower Route, Felix's complicated relationship with his hair, First Kiss, M/M, No it didn't get better, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:42:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25181155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catefish/pseuds/catefish
Summary: Felix hated his hair.It carried far too much weight.--Felix, his hair, and Dimitri, a love story and a tragedy.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 6
Kudos: 34





	Memento

**Author's Note:**

> MCD is for Dimitri. You have been warned.

Faerghus in the summer was awful. 

Felix’s only reprieve was that he was free to wander by the riverside near the castle, watch as the water gleamed under the stark sunlight as he spent his whole day by the riverbank, lounging idly beside the river, going through forms with his training sword and reading some of the books Dimitri had sent to him. Once he tired himself, he would roll up the ends of his breaches and dip his feet into the river, sitting on the damp riverside as he waited for the sun to set. 

It was hot but it was bearable.

At least as long as Dimitri was still around. 

It was never boring when he was in Fraldarius.

But now, his best friend sat beside him in eerie silence, his clear blue eyes gazing at the fishes as they swam against the current. 

They had spent the whole afternoon sparring, recreating whatever great battle they had read in their books until they fell onto the grass in exhaustion. It was a normal day to say the least. But Felix had noticed that something seemed to weigh in Dimitri’s thoughts. He had noticed the way his eyes seemed to flicker to his face, stare lingering for longer than a second as he distractedly fought back with his weapon. Easily, Felix had won that match. Though the way Dimitri had stared at him filled him with vague discomfort, unused to such rapt attention on his own person. 

Felix had gotten so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed that his friend had taken to staring right back at him, blue eyes inquisitive as they gazed at him with utmost scrutiny. It made Felix shift uncomfortably in his seat. 

“W-what are you staring at?” Heat flooded Felix’s cheeks. He immediately tore his gaze away from his friend, eager to break eye contact to save himself from embarrassment. 

“O-oh. It’s nothing, Felix.” Dimitri spoke through his teeth. His hands waved in front of him as if to dissipate suspicion. 

“Liar.” Felix pouted in distrust. “You’ve been staring at me all day. Is there something wrong? You can just tell me, you know.”

“No, no!” Dimitri spoke in consolation, brows knotting together as he stumbled over his words. “Your hair is just…”

“My hair?” Felix studied the ends of his raven locks. Confusion painted his features as he touched the ends hesitantly with his fingers. His hair had grown longer than usual. It now reached below his chin. The ends stubbornly curled towards his face.

Ah.

Was that what Dimitri had noticed?

“Yeah. Glenn’s hair curls at the ends too. Even Father’s. Have you really just noticed it now?” Felix asked confusedly. There was nothing special about it. Surely, Dimitri had seen the same everywhere else. There was nothing strikingly peculiar about his hair. Felix could not understand Dimitri’s immense fascination of it. 

“No, I’ve always noticed it! It’s just…” His hand hesitantly reached out, careful fingers winding themselves in an errant lock. His blue eyes were glued onto the stray locks in his hand, glimmering as he watched the strands curl in his fingers with awe. 

Dimitri was closer than ever before. 

It prompted Felix’s heart to beat twice in staccato. 

“Just?” Felix flinched back, uncomfortable with the sudden intimacy of Dimitri’s act. 

“…It’s nice.” Dimitri said simply. A small smile tugged at his lips as he spoke those simple words. 

Felix could not stop his lips from curling upwards similarly, amber eyes shining with joy as his eyes took in the sight of Dimitri’s gentle fingers delicately cradling the ends of his dark locks as if it was something to be treasured. 

The sight brought a soft flutter into his chest.

And for the rest of that day, Felix chose to revel in it.

* * *

It was spring when it happened.

It had been a long time coming, after all.  
  
They were out by the fields of Fhirdiad with scraped knees and blades of grass in their hair, laughing as they laid on their backs, basking in the sunlight. It was not often that Felix and Dimitri were allowed outside in Fhirdiad but they had managed to make their retainers acquiesce to their request. That is, as long as they do not stray too far and only wander where their retainers could easily reach them should the need arise.  
  
The flowers shined under the sunlight, the dewdrops on their petals catching the light, sparkling beautifully. The field was warm and inviting, beckoning the two of them to revel in the vast greens and tumble around like children.  
  
It was 2 years after Duscur, and Rodrigue had brought Felix along with him to visit Dimitri in Fhirdiad. 

Rodrigue had been bringing Felix along ever since the tragedy in hopes of lighting up Dimitri’s spirits.

Needless to say, it was a great help. And Dimitri had been recovering slowly but surely, with the help of his friends, both old and new.   
  
It was early morning when they had ventured out into the fields, eager to greet the spring breeze as soon as they had finished their morning meal. 

Dimitri had been the one to suggest it, guiding Felix towards the flower field with excitement. He had written to Felix about this find in so many of his letters. He’d detail the whole scene meticulously, resorting to even drawing the scene despite the talent he lacked.  
  
It was endearing.  
  
“And this is it!” Dimitri exclaimed as he jumped off his mare. He immediately held out his hand for Felix to take, helping his friend off his steed as quickly as he could.  
  
The sight was breathtaking.  
  
The field was covered in blue. It was as if it was a lake with how the cornflowers seemed to shine under the sunlight. 

Felix could only stand in his spot, dumbfounded by its beauty.

“It’s beautiful, right Felix?”Dimitri spoke softly. Felix turned to his side to gaze at his friend. He could not help but notice the way Dimitri’s eyes reminded him of the cornflowers themselves, soft, warm and beautiful.  
  
Dimitri was a lot like the field he had shown him.  
  
He was every bit as amazing.  
  
Suddenly, a strong breeze swept past them, undoing the delicate tie around Felix’s hair, unraveling his locks in the breeze. His hair whipped against his face, stray strands catching in his eyes before he could lift an arm to shield them. 

“Ugh. Damn it.” Felix reached out for his hair tie before it blew away. Felix quickly wrapped it around his wrist, hands practiced as they gathered his hair into one hand. “Just a second.”

“Here, let me help you.” Before Felix could protest, Dimitri had already moved behind him, hair tie wound around his wrist as he raised Felix’s hair up. Heat quickly rose to Felix’s cheeks. It was normal when Glenn had tied his hair before. With Dimitri however, something new budded inside his chest as he let Dimitri have his way. 

Dimitri was careful, if not more careful than Felix. He held his hair as if it was something delicate, not like the slightly brusque way Felix held it. It was odd. Not even Glenn had done the same. 

Dimitri was careful, almost reverent as he wound Felix’s hair into a small ponytail. With a satisfied hum, Dimitri moved before Felix, smiling at his work. 

“Thanks.” Felix mumbled, still shy from it all.  
  
However, Dimitri had gone strangely quiet, an equally strange look accompanying his silence. 

“What’s the matter?” Felix asked, dark brow raising at Dimitri’s expression.

Before Felix could press on any further, soft lips met his. 

It was electric. 

* * *

Even with years of not seeing his friend face to face, Dimitri could recognize Felix from a mile away. 

Just as he pushed open the old doors of the monastery, he had caught sight of his dark silken locks, wound together in a tight bun, almost shining under the bright sun. The sight of Felix himself was something he could not forget. After all, he had admired him for years, his mind packing each idiosyncrasy into neatly wrapped memories for him to indulge in whenever he missed him dearly so. Felix had grown so much, though much of him remained the same as he last saw him.  
  
His eyes were sharper, betraying his newfound maturity. He has grown taller, towering a fair height over Ingrid now. His body was still lithe, though now it betrayed a glimpse of honed strength and practiced skills. 

He was everything Dimitri had expected him to become. And yet, Dimitri’s heart beat wildly at the sight of him. 

For all that Felix has changed, Dimitri’s heart remained unwavering in its adoration, warmth blooming steadily across his chest as he watched Felix from afar. 

“Felix!” Dimitri could not stop himself from calling out to him. His feet moved on their own, rushing him to his friend with excitement. 

He saw the way Felix flinched at the sound of his name, tension setting itself on his shoulders as he turned around, face ridden with agitation.

“It’s been so long, Felix.” Dimitri’s cheeks almost hurt from how wide his smile was. Out of habit, his hand reached out to Felix, gauntlets almost touching the soft skin of his cheek. 

Felix hardened his gaze at him, amber eyes alight with fire, _anger_. Felix swiftly batted his hand away, as he moved back, out of Dimitri’s proximity.

“Get back, you boar.” Felix spat. His words bit harshly at Dimitri’s heart. His words stabbed right through his chest, unforgiving. “Don’t you dare touch me.”

“Felix, I—Is something the matter?” Dimitri was perplexed. Two years ago, he and Felix were inseparable. Now, Felix looked at him as if he wanted to run his blade right through him. Was Dimitri missing something here? “Did I do something wrong?”

“Shut up. Stop pretending you’re something you’re not.” Felix’s glare was piercing, his words blunt and sharp. Dimitri could not believe what was happening.

“Felix, please. Just tell me—“ Dimitri pleaded. He wanted to remedy this. He wanted to fix this rift between them. He wanted Felix back. He couldn’t stand it. 

“Get the fuck away from me.” Felix stepped further away from him, completely out of his reach. 

“Whoa, whoa. Why don’t we all just calm down for a bit?” Sylvain stepped in between them, concern evident in his features. 

“What’s gotten into you two?” Ingrid scolded, brows knitted together in worry. “Felix, you shouldn’t be talking to His Highness like that. You’re best friends!”

“Him? He’s not my best friend.” The words pierced Dimitri’s chest, leaving a sharp pang in its wake. “He’s a _monster_ , a boar. He’s not my friend. He’s not Dimitri.”

Dimitri was speechless. He had no idea what to answer to Felix’s accusation. 

Taking his silence, as an answer, Felix stepped closer to Dimitri, scowl ever present on his face as he glared up at Dimitri.

“Don’t you dare think of approaching me again, boar.” Felix spoke ominously. Before Dimitri could even speak, Felix swiftly turned around, walking quickly into the Blue Lions’ classroom with a huff. 

Dimitri could only watch Felix’s back as he walked away. 

* * *

“Felix!” Dimitri shouted, his voice echoing in the dorms. 

Dimitri struggled to catch his breath, leaning against the monastery walls for support. Felix moved so quickly, as if he was on the run from some demonic beast. He had always managed to avoid Dimitri, quickly disappearing from the prince’s periphery before Dimitri could even look for him.  
  
It was frustrating, especially since Dimitri sorely, _sorely_ wanted to reconcile with him.  
  
But such tactics won’t deter his determination. As much as Felix hated him, he can’t stand the idea that he had wronged him. He can’t stand the fact that he hurt him. Whether intentionally or not. 

Felix did not deserve to be treated as such.  
  
“What? Came to stop me, boar? Came to try and change my mind?” Felix taunted, arms crossed over his chest as he pinned Dimitri down with a glare. 

Dimitri was well aware of the fact that he could not change Felix’s decision. Such was not at stake here. It was _something else_ neither of them have dared to name.

“Felix—“ Dimitri started, stepping closer to Felix as Felix stepped back in retort.

“Go away. What’s done is done.” Felix proclaimed with a scowl. “I’m not a Blue Lion. I don’t answer to you.”

“Felix, let me just have a moment of your time, please.” Dimitri was getting frustrated. How long will they keep up with this charade of cat and mouse? How long did they have to avoid each other without even acknowledging the other’s existence save for a spar? It was tiring, and this charade only wore Dimitri on the longer it took. Was he so abhorrent that Felix would not dare call him by name? “I swear to you, after this, I will no longer bother you.” 

For a moment, Felix was silent, pensive as he mulled over Dimitri’s words. 

“Go on then, say your piece.” Felix spoke bluntly, a frown tugging down his lips. Relief quickly settled into Dimitri’s bones as he heard Felix’s acquiescence. 

“I know we haven’t been off to a good start ever since we set foot here in Garreg Mach.” Dimitri started. He wore his heart on his sleeve as he spoke. “I know I have no right to force you to accept me. Not after everything that has happened.”

Dimitri chanced a glimpse at Felix’s face. It was almost unreadable, pensive as he listened to Dimitri’s spiel. 

“I…I just want to know if I can make it up to you, no matter how difficult it would be. I want to know if there’s a chance we could be as we were back then.” Dimitri’s heart beat loudly in his ears, the truth tumbling out his mouth like a broken dam. 

“Felix, I…I apologize, for everything.” Dimitri spoke with sincerity, blue eyes pleading, searching for hope in fiery amber. 

“No, you don’t. You can’t. Not to me, at least.” Felix words were sharp and quick, devastating as his blows on the battlefield. “Apologize for the lives you’ve taken, apologize to those who had to suffer from your bloodlust.” 

Dimitri didn’t dare speak, letting Felix continue.

“I know what you are. I _saw_ what you are. The Dimitri I knew is gone. I don’t know you. Not anymore.” Felix’s amber eyes gleamed with unshed tears, his lips trembling as he sew it shut. Dimitri watched as Felix swallowed his words back before he could say anymore. 

“Goodbye, boar prince.” 

In that moment, Dimitri felt his heart shatter, splintering in his chest into millions of pieces.

It would be a long time until Dimitri saw Felix again.

And yet, the sight of Felix’s back continued to haunt him for years to come. 

* * *

Felix took one heavy look at the mess of his hair, cascading down his back in waves. 

He had abandoned his title, his family, his friends, and his home.

He was no longer in Faerghus.

He was not a knight.

He was only Felix, a mercenary at his client’s beck and call. 

He stared idly at his reflection, taking note of the lines that have found their way into the skin of his face, taking note of every scar that littered on his shoulders and chest, and taking note of how his raven locks have grown into an unmanageable length. 

Felix hated his hair.  
  
It carried far too much weight. 

Now, it rested its ends on his shoulders, as if pulling him down with its weight to the earth. Its ends twisted into each other into knots, causing Felix pain whenever he ran his hands down its length. 

For whatever reason, he hasn’t cut his hair in years, telling himself that he hardly had the time to fret over it considering his livelihood.

But now, they were at the brink of the climax of a war instigated by the empire. His hair had become a liability in battle, a probable cause to his untimely demise. 

He had resolved to do this a week ago, and yet he only found the strength, _the will_ , to actually go through with it tonight. 

And with one hand, Felix raised his hair above his neck, resting the edge of the blade at its base, careful and pensive. 

As he maintained his hold on his blade, his hand began to shake.

Memories started to flood Felix’s mind as he watched his reflection. He could almost smell the freshness of the river where he and Dimitri had played in, the soft scent of the cornflowers that one spring day in Fhirdiad, the scent of Dimitri’s cloak over his cold shoulders. When he closed his eyes, he could almost feel the touch of Dimitri’s fingers against his neck, and the plushness of his lips against his own.

At that memory, Felix resolutely swiped his blade across his raven locks, strands escaping his fingers as he sat there breathing heavily.

Amber eyes studied the mess of darkness at his feet.  
  
He couldn’t help but feel as if he had cut off more than just his locks. 

* * *

Felix didn’t change.  
  
That much Dimitri could tell.  
  
He held himself high, proud and unwavering, even as he stood opposite of his army. 

And even then, he was still fatally beautiful, and devastatingly handsome. 

Dimitri’s heart beat rapidly in anticipation, his eyes trained on the brilliant teal of Felix’s attire. From what he could see, he was in a battalion with Bernadetta von Varley, most likely to protect her from any foe who would dare hamper her bow. His hair was cut shorter, slightly uneven as if it was cut in battle. His amber eyes searched around his army, before resting its gaze on him.  
  
Dimitri felt his heart stutter, pinned as he was under Felix’s gaze. 

How long has it been since he had last felt entranced by his gaze?

Too long, perhaps, but there was no such time to ponder about the past.  
  
Here and now, they stand against each other as enemies, respective blades thirsting for the other’s blood. 

Had things been different, _had Dimitri been stronger_ , would he have dissuaded Felix from abandoning Faerghus?

Anguish and regret pooled in his belly as he watched over Felix from afar. 

Dimitri could only look at him forlornly, wondering what he could have done to have Felix come back, wondering if even now, if Felix would turn tail and return to his side once again. 

But Dimitri knew the truth, Felix would never return. He would continue down his path without indecision, leaving him and the others to fumble in his wake. Felix would never return. Not when Dimitri was still the beast who stood on his hind legs, prowling the earth in search of vengeance. And not when the Dimitri he once knew was a shadow lingering behind a beast’s mane.  
  
Such was war. 

Such was fate. 

Dimitri had a kingdom to protect, and Felix had a war to win.  
  
They were at a stalemate, a situation with no hope of ever reconciling. 

Dimitri was incredibly aware of this fact. His hands balled into fists as he pondered over the circumstance.  
  
He had been weak.  
  
He had been powerless.  
  
He could never bring Felix back.  
  
And yet his heart yearned for the impossible, ceaselessly and futilely, grasping at meager chances that ultimately mean nothing.

* * *

“I can’t stand you.” Felix rasped out. 

The rain beat against his back in strong bursts, pounding his back in some sort of divine retribution. The heavy pelting of the rain against his armor brought him pain, battering whatever bruises he had received during this godforsaken war. It hurt to move. It hurt to speak. The heavy droplets dampened his whole figure, weighing him down as he knelt over his sworn foe. 

“I know.” Came Dimitri’s voice, raspy and laden with exhaustion. 

The wound on his stomach steadily bled, staining the damp soil a stark red. It was Felix who had inflicted it. And yet, the sight made Felix want to wretch. 

Tears have steadily gathered in his eyes, blurring his vision as he gazed solemnly at the man he once called his friend. The man he once swore himself to without question. 

The man that made his heart ache no matter how many years passed him by. 

As if the goddess was punishing him for what he had done, the rain fell harder, pelting him with heavy blows as he let his tears finally fall down his face. 

He could not find the strength to speak. Much less the strength to reach out and caress his king’s cheek.  
  
His king only looked at him with melancholy, not scorn, not hate…just sadness swimming in the blue of his eyes as he watched Felix’s tears fall down his cheeks. 

His eyes were the color of cornflowers, the vast sky and the petals that danced in the breeze as they gave chase to each other that one spring day. They were beautiful, comforting, _haunting_ as they peered up at him. 

Felix’s heart clenched as he returned his gaze. 

“Felix…” Dimitri called out softly, his words were almost sparse, a stark contrast to the way he uttered Felix’s name all those years ago.

“I hate you…so much.” Felix spoke wetly, his throat threatening to close up as he struggled not to cry out. 

“I wish I could say the same to you.” He spoke calmly, gaze unwavering. He looked peaceful compared to the despair that Felix felt. 

Slowly, a lone hand reached up towards him, the action putting Felix on edge as he watched Dimitri with bated breath. Gloved fingers plaintively touched the ends of the dampened strands that framed his face. His fingers twirled around the errant strands idly as if toying with something so scarily delicate, a mere touch away from absolutely breaking. 

“You—“ Felix broke off with a sob. “After everything, you still—“

“I never stopped.” Dimitri had the audacity to smile at him. _Him_. The very person who brought him to his end. The person he had loved so dearly yet who threw away his feelings in disgust without a second thought. 

Felix doesn’t deserve it. 

“You’re an idiot. You’re a fucking idiot.” Felix sobbed, his teardrops falling over Dimitri’s cheeks. He could no longer breathe. He could no longer speak. His shoulders shook violently as he sobbed.  
  
He was pathetic. 

Slowly, he felt Dimitri’s hand settle over his head, gloved hand stroking the crown of his head. The same way Dimitri did when they were young, hiding beneath the covers of Dimitri’s bed when the rain roared with thunder outside the windows, huddled together and afraid but finding comfort with each other under the unforgiving storm. 

It was comforting.  
  
It was warm.

But Felix had no right.

Not after everything he had done. 

And so he wept over his king until the storm had passed. The scent of rain and war lingering in his senses as he wept with all his might even as the sun shone over the battlefield, mocking him with its warmth and light. Things he no longer had the luxury to feel. 

Now, he was truly at the point of no return.  
  
He could only move forward, guilt ever present, shadowing his every struggled step. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments appreciated!


End file.
